…Or how NOT to raise an ax murderer!
No one felt more inadequate to be a parent than I did when I became pregnant with my first child. Even though I was extremely excited, I felt so inept that I wanted to quit before she was born. But then I remembered it was too late because I was already pregnant, and there was no turning back. I was going to have to go through with this despite my insecurities.
What if they turn out to be an ax murderer, I thought. How do you keep that from happening?
So like most first-time parents, I dug in. I sought the advice of others. Read all the parenting books and articles I found, took a deep breath, prayed and followed my gut.
Did it work?
Several years and four children later, a lady who worked with the church youth approached me. “You have the best children.” She asked, “What’s your secret?”
I was shocked! I didn’t know how to answer. Honestly, I didn’t know what we did right. I certainly didn’t think my children acted better than others at church.
Ironically, some mistakes I had made in their upbringing came clearly to mind in response to her question. As for what we did right, I replied sheepishly, “Thank you. But I’m not really sure.”
What did we do right?
That conversation got me thinking.
After some introspection, I came up with a few things I felt we did right. I believe these actions had a positive impact on their young lives.
Our children are all grown now with families of their own. Fortunately, they have become responsible adults who have stayed true to their faith. They are successful business owners or leaders. They’ve done for themselves even more than I dreamed for them. And, thankfully, not one of them is anything close to an ax murderer!
So, what did we do that worked?
(1) Modeling
My friend, Rachel Cruze, is famous for saying, “More is caught than taught.” I was unaware of that specific phrase at the time. But my husband and I inherently believed we should model the life we wanted for our children. Teaching them important lessons is valuable, but we needed to support what we said with our actions.
For example. We didn’t want them to drink, so we never drank alcohol. We didn’t want them to go to “R” rated movies, so we didn’t go to “R” rated movies.
We worked hard the entire time they were growing up. Now they, too, are naturally hard workers.
Of course, we wanted them to be kind and courteous and treat people respectfully. We tried consistently to speak kindly to them. Sometimes we failed at this and would lose our temper and yell or scream. (My husband said he never heard me raise my voice until we had kids.) We longed to be the perfect parents who never lost their cool. That didn’t always happen, but we gave it a good try.
It’s futile to tell your children to live one way. Then you model for them an entirely different set of values.
(2) Time together
We spent a lot of time with our kids. They had toys, but not an overabundance of them. Instead, they were involved in sports and other activities, and we always attended their games, practices, and performances. My husband coached several teams, and we even tried our hand at leading Cub Scouts.
We loved picnics in the park, hikes in the woods, and summer camping or beach vacations with the children.
Now that they are grown and gone, I don’t regret one moment spent with them. I wish we had done more.
(3) Accentuate the positive
You quickly notice many differences when you have multiple children. You see not only their physical characteristics but also the differences in their personalities and gifts. I saw this as soon as my second child was born. My first child came out kicking and screaming, and she’s still doing that over forty years later. Although she gets wound up sometimes, she has an amazing outgoing personality. Everyone loves her, and she has tons of friends.
The first thing I noticed about my son when he was born was his broad shoulders. Also, his personality was completely different from that of my daughter from day one. He was reserved and content and hardly ever cried. The difference was so remarkable, that I thought his brain was damaged! But over time, I was assured that God just created him differently.
He went on to earn a doctorate degree. Today, he’s the director of schools in one of our local school districts. His brain is fine.
We tried hard to look at our children’s gifts and encourage them to pursue the most obvious ones. Three of our children enjoyed and excelled in sports. One had no interest in sports but loved the performing arts.
Although we didn’t do this perfectly, encouraging children to develop their God-given talents makes child-rearing much easier. It is more effective than cramming them into a mold that doesn’t fit.
I feel sorry for children whose parents try to force them to be something they are not. It leads to a life of frustration for both the parent and the child.
(4) Faith
Teaching our children about God and having faith in Jesus Christ was a foundational principle in our home. As Bible-believing Christians, we faithfully took them to church. They were all involved in youth activities throughout their childhood.
We prayed before meals and bed, read Bible stories, and taught them to live by the principles of the scriptures.
Whenever they complained about a situation proclaiming, “That’s not fair.” My usual reply was “No, life is not fair.” I never wanted them to feel entitled, but to make the most of the opportunities they were given.
Leading our children to have faith in God is the most important thing we can do for them. Of course, we could have always done more to help build their faith. Thankfully, what we did worked. They are now raising their children to love and serve the Lord. It’s very satisfying to see the fruit of our labors.
(5) Family dinners
One thing I was a stickler about was family dinner time. We ate dinner together as a family each evening unless some event or activity kept us from it. No TV allowed. Thankfully, there were no cell phones back then to contend with. We sat around a big oval table and had great conversations. This was very important to me, and my husband agreed.
Research now shows that this one practice is responsible for better academic progress. It leads to higher self-esteem and fosters a greater sense of resilience. The practice also lowers the risk of substance abuse, teen pregnancy, and eating disorders. Who knew something as simple as family dinner time would do so much? I didn’t know any of this at the time. I just wanted a nice dinner hour as a family each evening. It turns out that was one of those follow-your-gut principles that worked out for the best.
Today, my daughter and son-in-law follow this practice. They ask their children each evening, “What was the best thing that happened today?” Other great questions are “What was the hardest part of your day?” or “At what did you fail today?”
Questions like these encourage children to open up and can lead to great conversations providing insight into their lives.
What I wish we had done better
As I stated earlier, only my mistakes came to mind when that lady asked me what I did right. Here are a couple of those “Should haves.” But, of course, there were more.
Family devotions
I wish we had spent more time in family devotions. We tried. We would start a family devotion in the evening and continue for a while. Eventually, though, the busyness of life caused it to fall away. If we had consistently kept them up, they would have probably had an even stronger faith. Satan fights hard against this, but if you can faithfully make it happen, your family will be blessed.
Limiting extra-curricular activities
Sports are great for child development, but you can definitely overdo them. Which we did. We all want our children to excel in sports or extra-curricular activities. As parents, we also need to know where to draw the line. We survived all the sports. The children learned valuable lessons from them. But I think we missed some other valuable family memories because of too many ballgames.
I’m sure my children can attest to many other bloopers and blunders we made along the way. But, like most parents, we did our best with what we knew.
Reality check
The two things I didn’t take into consideration when I was worried that I would raise an ax murder are:
- The grace of God
- The resilience of children
The Grace Place
I believed I had to be a perfect parent. I thought I must never make a mistake, or my kids would turn out horribly. Now I know that’s not true. We all make mistakes as parents, but we learn from those mistakes. Sometimes parenting is just trial and error. But you keep going, loving your kids and doing your best. God takes care of the rest. After all, he loves them even more than we do.
That Amazing Human Spirit
The other thing I didn’t take into consideration was the beauty and complexity of the human spirit. There is so much good inside those little guys when they arrive. Yet, we as parents had no part in putting any of it there. They have a God-given conscience. They are naturally loving, trusting, and forgiving. They are gifted, talented, and intelligent beings.
Sure, they are born into sin and must be guided and disciplined as they develop. Yet, the innate traits that God places within them are nothing short of amazing.
On-the-job training
Parenting is the hardest job on earth, and it comes with the most responsibility. It’s also the most rewarding.
Parenting is not an absolute science as every child is different. Some parents seem to do everything right and still have a wayward child. Others are terrible at parenting, yet their child turns out amazing.
I’ve even seen twins from the same parents living in the same environment turn out completely opposite. One is as good as gold. The other can’t stay out of trouble.
We all long to be the best parents to our children. Yet, there are no perfect parents. Only imperfect ones in search of the best way to raise their offspring.
Five tips from our journey
(1) Model the behavior you want them to have
(2) Spend time with them
(3) Have nightly family dinners
(4) Encourage them in their gifts
(5) Impart a strong faith in God
The Love Element
And Love, love, love them. The Bible says that love covers a multitude of sins. Wherever we fall short, love can fill the gap.
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. – Proverbs 22:6
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